T is for Trendy Ailments

By the beard of Zeus, they're all diseased. I can't believe it. I looked on at the group infront of me in wonderment. I was sitting with a group of friends and their friends and such, and everybody all of a sudden had an ailment. A trendy ailment to boot. ADHD, Dyslexia, Syndrome X (particularly unappealing), Athsma, Eczema, Stutters, Lisps and other speech impediments, Sprained ankles from amatuers playing tennis like pros. You name it, they were crippled by it. And to top it all off, they each had friends with ailments as well. "So and so is Manic Depressive" followed by "well so and so is Bi-Polar", followed by "well have you seen so and so lately? She's Anorexic AND Bulimic" Don't those two go hand in hand?. Each new problem sparked great interest. All of a sudden I was in a room full of learned doctors and specialists, each of whom was totally and completely qualified in their books to give their shoddy advice. Following this was another round. Diabetes, Blood Pressure problems, Iron deficient (possibly Anaemic), Lady Part problems and quickly it became a case of 'My professionally diagnosed medical problem is way bigger than yours'.

I was surrounded by people in the last of their teen years and extremely early twenties, and they were all diseased. Ruined. Crippled for life by problems and were competing for the title of biggest medically challenged cripple out there. The shock almost sent me over the edge.

We are young. We don't have too many problems. We can't be this faulty? Do I need to return my body for a full refund?. I was just hit with an overhwelming desire to tell everybody to shut up and bask in their crippleness silently. And then it dawned on me. This is society. We are full of a desire to blame all of our woes on unforeseen medical hurdles which all of a sudden seem to plague each and every one of us. We're not competing for sheep stations when it comes to who has the better car, or the nicest kitchen. No. We're competing for the golden ticket when it comes to who gets the biggest cop out from their trendy ailment.

Who gets to blame hormone imbalances for epic mood swings? A, D and F each put their hand up as moody because of hormones. The temptation to say "No, you're just psychotic" was overwhelming. Then there was M, she had a thyroid problem, which was why she had steadily gained 20kg over the past year. I was dying to tell her it was because of the cheesecake and macaroons she seemed to eat on a daily basis. And the McDonalds. And the chips. And the soft drinks. And the fact that if she had to walk more than five minutes to get to the bus stop, she'd either not go or get a taxi. But that would be rude.

The conversation resumed. The hype surrounding this disorder and that syndrome was incredible. Is this what society has been reduced to? A group of losers who want reasons and diseases to blame for their sucky lives? I get that there really are real problems. Trust me. I get it. There's cancer, and heart disease and paralysis and multiple sclerosis and a variety of non-trendy, very serious ailments around. But here I was, surrounded by people who had Life Altering, but not Life Threatening ailments, and they couldn't get past it. And it brought me back to the many conversations I've accidentally been stuck in when I have asked how someone is, and all of a sudden they're now screwed up. And I have to hear about it.

So I sucked in a tortured breath and decided to ride it out and soon I would be free. The conversation was escalating. Wild gestures describing invasive medical procedures were being included, and I soon learned that nearly everybody had required a CT scan or an MRI or a Very Serious Internal Exam (I giggled when I heard this. A lot.) Voices were getting louder, and the competition was heating up. C was looking pretty serious, whereas H and N had dropped out - the speech impediments whilst embarassing, were not considered all that terrible. E was tossed aside by the group collectively - yeast infections were temporary and easily treatable. The same went for T, with her gastro and UTI problems. Syndome X looked to be holding her own, and Type 2 Diabetes was fighting hard until suddenly, and bang. It was decided, Syndrome X and Diabetes along with the Faulty Thyroid were three way winners, but why the hell were they staring at me? I realised their victory was conditional, as some diseased toe rag had pointed out I had recently had some medical problems of my own. All in the room were looking wide eyed at me, the three way winners glaring slightly, daring me to take their position. "So what is your problem again, Jessenia? Are you okay now?" Dammit. Bugger the lot of you to the fiery pits of hell. I was unceremoniously dragged into the  conversation. The blood thirsty little mongrels were demanding I air my dirty laundry for all and sundry to enjoy.

"I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome." There, I said it. Short sharp and sweet, I blurted out my ailment and moved on. Until another little demon spawn from the far left corner piped up.

"What is it? What happens?" Again, dammit. Damn you seven ways from sunday you twitchy little diseased ingrate. 

"Basically my ovaries drop too many eggs each month, as a result of and because of my hormones, which are completely out of whack. I'm insulin resitant. I had to drastically change my diet because of that. I have  a hard time losing weight, it's easy to gain, I am prone to depression and I need to be careful because I am extremely prone to diabetes. And CVD. And lots of other nasty little things.And it may make me infertile" There. No more questions. They can't possibly need more than that, right? Wrong.

"How do you treat it?" Bugger. Bugger, bugger, bugger and again, Bugger. Don't they get it? I don't enjoy this. 

"A medication called metformin, a very restricted diet and I'll find out more about hormone treatment when I see the endocrinologist."

The collective "oohh", followed by an "ahhh" was almost comical. Mouths shaped in serious O's, they were thinking, until finally, nodding their heads resolutely. Oh yes, that's right readers. I had, unwittingly, become the spokesperson for those crippled by life altering, very serious, very unfair ailments. Mine was the worst, apparently. I had too many problems, apparently. In fact, Syndrome X, Diabetes and the Faulty Thyroid were backing away from the crown all too eagerly. I believe it was a case of the devil you know. Yes well, the devil I know is currently reigning supreme, as queen of the diseased and leader of the trendily crippled. And no, I will not wear the crown publicly.

Jessenia xoxo