Rude or Reasonable: Where commitment exists and what it means to this Gen Yer

The ‘c’ word.  To be truthful, this word doesn’t bother me as much as it does some, however I do understand the modern day frustrations.  I think to honestly answer your questions Judy, we need to go a little deeper and ask ourselves:  What is a commitment? How do we know if we really are committed? Is there a degree to which we must be invested before it can really be called a commitment? And if so, how do we tell? 

If I were to follow your three dot points that outlined who has had someone pull a ‘softy’ on them, I too would most definitely be a victim. And it is annoying. Sometimes.  However I have found that some people’s ‘lack of commitment’ doesn’t frustrate me as much as others’. Let’s start with the first point – being put on hold or had a call end because someone was on the other line. 

. 

Everyone has been put on hold. And I think its fair to argue that the vast majority of people will have been in the middle of a phone call when a family member, a friend or some random goes by or comes home and says something, and you quickly say to the person on the phone ‘hold on for a second’ as you turn your attention to the intruder. Even if it’s only for 30 seconds, you’ve left someone hanging on the phone. Twiddling their thumbs, afraid to hum incase you’ll hear it and think they’re crazy, but whatever they do, they’re hanging. Or you gesture silently back and forth, and the person on the phone is none the wiser.  What if that ‘intruder’ is going out with friends, and just wanted to say goodbye? Or if they were just saying hi after a long day at work? Do we ignore them completely because it would be abominably rude to leave someone hanging on the phone, even though it could just be a leisurely conversation? The ‘be committed’ arguers would probably say yes. But in reality, we say ‘hang on a second’, leave them for a minute, and when we return we say ‘you there? So sorry. My ….’ We explain. We give reason. Depending on how long we took leave of the conversation, we may offer to shout coffee next time. I don’t think that’s rude. Or pulling a softy. I think it’s reasonable. As for the ‘call on the other line’, if it’s my boss or my grandmother, or a call I have been expecting and is important, yeah, I might say ‘can I call you back?’ And when they agree, I apologise profusely and I do call them back. If it’s just another friend calling for a chat, I leave it. Again, I’d say that’s reasonable.  But I honestly can’t agree with the idea that a phone conversation, unless serious business or pre-arranged is a true candidate to be called a commitment. 

We use phones because it’s convenient. We don’t need to go anywhere. We can do our grocery shopping and talk on the phone. We can pull funny faces when the loser on the other end of the line is talking about something you have no care for. There is an inherent lack of commitment and that is why we find ourselves reaching for the phone while we shop or check the news. If it really was a commitment, our telephones would be set up in a blank, empty room with four walls, a desk for the phone and a chair for comfort. And we would be forced to commit. In fact, I propose that the only commitment you have when you pick up the phone, is that you will say hello and goodbye.  

Onto point two – that people interrupt conversations to take a call or look at a text. Have you been mid conversation with someone when a call that you’ve been expecting comes? Or any call for that matter? Is it fair to send it to voicemail, say ‘bugger it’ and keep talking for another half an hour? What if the call was important? What if someone was in an accident? What if they just needed a cup of sugar? Is it really unacceptable to say ‘can I just tell them I’ll call them back?’ answer the phone and without a hello, just say ‘I’ll call you back, I’m just a bit busy’? If it’s that urgent they’ll scream out ‘Grandma’s been raped’ or something equally bold and you’ll freeze. And then you’ll negotiate your commitment. And if you’re spending an entire day with the person you’ve been talking to for the last hour, is a five minute phone conversation that bad? Especially if you apologise?

And finally, point 3 – the begging off within 4 hours of a scheduled get together. This one gets to me. This one really sets the fire going and you could be from Generation XXYA2315. It doesn’t matter. When this happens, you want to sit the person down on a cactus and smack them with a ruler across the knuckles until they develop enough sense to never even think of doing it again. I understand when there are funerals to attend. Emergency shifts at work to cover. Car trouble or the odd meteor has landed in their backyard and they’re a little worse for wear with all the clean up. But when people are not bothered. Or all of a sudden have a uni assignment which they knew about at the beginning of semester. Or are too hung over. Or their money has evaporated and they’re poor I have no sympathy. The minute you agree to meet someone, you sir have committed. If I commit to seeing someone else’s ugly face and hearing about the drama that comes with it when they arrive, I expect they will turn up. I don’t pike out. Ever. Unless I’m sick. Or something bad really has come up. So I don’t know if it’s a generational thing combined with technology, but there is a trend.  However I do put the point across that, and no offense intended, when the stone age was on and there were no mobiles or emails etc., if you did have a form of immediate communication such as mobiles, I guarantee people would ‘beg off’ just as they do now. And it would be just as much a slap in the face then as it is now. 

People take what they can and as much of it as they can, and if they aren’t bothered to catch a bus to the city because they know they’ll see my stunning face at a party on the weekend, the convenience is available to send a text saying ‘hey babe, I’m sorry but I have a huge assignment due. Rain check? So sorry :( I will see you on Sat though. xoxoxox’. They know I’ll give them evils for 90% of Saturday night. They know I’ll find a way to get them back. Maybe I’ll tell every guy around on Saturday night they have herpes.  But the fact is, they got out of a 40 minute bus ride, a $20 lunch and an exhausting trek around the city. If it’s convenient for them, fine. But when they need help moving on campus or would like company to the family planning clinic because the guy I warned about the herpes didn’t listen, I’ll agree. And an hour before I’m meant to arrive, I’ll be conveniently called into work. Or there’ll be a plumbing issue at home and I’ll need to wait for the plumber. Or I’ll be washing my hair.

 

Whichever way you look at it, the method of communication we choose to get in touch with people indicates just how committed we are. A text is nothing. A phone call a step up. Skype chat? Getting there. And the big cheese? The 40 minute bus ride to the city. And even then, when we make the arrangement, if we pull a face afterwards, or we go ‘ugh. That’s gonna be such a trek’ then we, and everyone else, knows we aren’t truly committed. Then some poorly mannered sod in the whole uncommitted arrangement chooses to beg off. And the rest of us have the s**ts. 

Any thoughts?  Drop us a line and let us know where you stand. 

Until next time,

                 Jessenia xxx

Commitment and the Art of Pulling a Softy

In 1995 the earth moved and my life changed – for in that year Universal Pictures and Castlerock Entertainment released the movie “The American President”.  After my first viewing, I was captivated. The movie held three essential ingredients - first: it was about the American presidency at the time when Bill Clinton was the real life president (love him or hate him, he was fascinating!), second:  it starred Michael Douglas as the most powerful man in the world and third: it was a romance.  A heady combination given that it was Bill Clinton who started my interest in American politics, movies combining an American President and romance were and still are rare and IT STARRED MICHAEL DOUGLAS!

In that movie there is a scene in which Michael Douglas as President Andrew Shepherd has to break a date with his girlfriend, Sydney Ellen Wade (played by Annette Benning) because he has been unexpectedly called out of town to prevent an airline baggage handlers strike over Christmas. Having phoned Sydney, he mentions to his Press Secretary, Robin McCall (played by Anna Devere Smith) and his Chief Domestic Policy Adviser, Lewis Rothschild (played by Michael J Fox) that he hated breaking the date. The following dialogue ensues:

Lewis: “I tell any girl I’m going out with to assume that all plans are soft until she receives confirmation from me thirty minutes beforehand”

Robin: “And they find this romantic?”

Lewis: “I say it with a great deal of charm.”

Which brings me to the subject of this blog, the c-word, namely commitment.  This is commitment with a small “c”, by which I mean commitment to an appointment or a prearranged plan.  Commitment in the context of a marriage or an exclusive relationship is commitment with a big “C and is a whole other ball of wax, not to mention blog topic.

Not so very long ago, commitment of the small “c” variety used to mean something.  You made a plan, you followed through unless there was a true crisis or emergency. However, there has been a shift away from commitment in recent times and the shift is generally epitomised by the attitude and behaviour of the Millennials.  If you have ever:

• been put on hold or had a call end due to the person on the other end having to take another call
• had someone who you were talking to in person interrupt that conversation to take a call or look at a text
• had someone “beg off ” within 4 hours of the proposed meeting time

you’ll know what I mean.

How easy has breaking a commitment  become in the world of mobile phones and technology? In the current mobile  environment  is there really a commitment in the minds of the Millennials in the first place? There is no denying the convenience that mobile phones and technology have brought to our lives, but that convenience seems to be inversely proportional to the degree of certainty of commitment.

Gen Xers, particularly early ones like me, will remember what it was like growing up without mobile phones, without being constantly reachable and without being constantly connected. This meant that there was no real safety net, no way of neatly wriggling out of a commitment. This was particularly so, if you left the comfort of a nearby desk phone in the morning and had made the commitment for the afternoon.  Everybody knew that pay phones hardly ever worked and even if they did, there was no guarantee that the person you were trying to call were within reach of their desk phone.  No mobile phone meant no intrusive emails, texts or calls waiting. Back then, a commitment, meant a locked in plan in all circumstances other than a true emergency, like illness, natural disasters, car accidents and the like. A commitment meant that you also gave the appointee your full attention.  For us Gen Xers, these rules are still relevant today.

Millennials, on the other hand, seem to have the notion that Lewis articulates in the dialogue above. Having a mobile phone and constant email access means the appointee will always be contactable and plans are soft until the appointed time. They also mean that the possibility that something or someone better comes along is ever present and that the new is almost always more interesting than the current. Is it a lack of discipline, a lack of manners or do we really live in a world where not reviewing/ answering immediately translates into an opportunity lost? Have attention spans become so short that 140 characters are all that are available for dialogue?

So, how does a Gen Yer react when a fellow Gen Yer  pulls a “softy” on them?  Is it par for the Gen Y course or a Gen Y slap in the face? Is the game any different when one party is a Gen Xer?  Is it possible for GenY to actually commit?  Jess, enlighten me please because if this is the new normal, then it brings multitasking to a whole new level.  You'll have to hang on a minute SYT, an email has just come in which requires my immediate and undivided attention. Having practiced my delivery, I sincerely hope that came across with the appropriate degree of charm…

Photos from manilovefilms.com and thefancarpet.com